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IMPULSE CONTROL  

An impulse control disorder is a condition in which a person has trouble controlling emotions or behaviors. Often, the behaviors violate the rights of others or conflict with societal norms and the law.

INSECURE ATTACHMENT 

What It Means to Be Insecurely Attached

Insecure attachment is characterized by a lack of trust and a lack of a secure base. People with an insecure style may behave in anxious, ambivalent, or unpredictable ways.

When adults with secure attachments look back on their childhood, they usually feel that someone reliable was always available to them. They can reflect on events in their life (good and bad) in the proper perspective. As adults, people with a secure attachment style enjoy close intimate relationships and are not afraid to take risks in love.

People who develop insecure attachment patterns did not grow up in a consistent, supportive, validating environment. Individuals with this attachment style often struggle to have meaningful relationships with others as adults.

However, someone with an insecure attachment style can learn to change their behaviors and patterns. Working with a therapist can help them develop the skills they need to improve their relationships and build the security they didn't have as a child.
 

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Patterns of Insecurity

If a person develops an insecure style of attachment, it can take one of three forms: avoidant, ambivalent, and disorganized.

• Avoidant. People who develop an avoidant attachment style often have a dismissive attitude, shun intimacy, and have difficulties reaching for others in times of need.
• Anxious/Ambivalent. People with an ambivalent attachment pattern are often anxious and preoccupied. They can be viewed by others as "clingy" or "needy" because they require constant validation and reassurance.
• Disorganized. People with a disorganizedattachment style typically experienced childhood trauma or extreme inconsistency growing up. Disorganized attachment is not a mixture of avoidant and ambivalent attachments; rather, a person has no real coping strategies and is unable to deal with the world.

Avoidant and anxious/ambivalent attachments remain organized. While they are not ideal ways of coping, these attachment styles do allow for some rational and logical approaches to dealing with complex situations.

On the other hand, a person with a disorganized attachment style is unable to process and cope with any degree of adversity.

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INTERMITTENT REINFORCEMENT 

Intermittent Reinforcement This is an extremely effective manipulation tactic. Intermittent reinforcement occurs when an abuser only gives his victim positive reinforcement (attention, appreciation, praise, adoration, declarations of love, etc.) on a random basis. This will create a climate of doubt, fear, and anxiety, while compelling you to persist. You’ll know he’s withdrawing and you’ll fear you’re losing him, but he’ll deny it. This replays over and over until you’re riding an emotional roller coaster, with no way to stop the ride and get off. He or she is doing this on purpose to increase his power and control over you and to make you even more desperate for his love. You have become the proverbial lab rat frantically pushing the lever for a randomly dispensed treat. The rat thinks of nothing else, and neither will you. The bond can become even stronger during this phase, believe it or not. It’s a well-known psychological phenomenon known as traumatic bonding.”

 NEGATIVE REINFORCEMENT 

The manipulator stops performing a negative behavior (such as giving you the silent treatment, acting angry, or staying out late every night) when you comply with his demands, whatever they may be.”

NOT ALLOWING NEGATIVE EMOTIONS

Not Allowing Negative Emotion The victim is chastised for emotional behavior. When you get upset and question the manipulator or complain about something they’re doing that bothers you, the focus is put on your emotional upset instead the issue causing it--which conveniently takes the focus off of them and the real issue. He or she refuses to hear what it is you want to talk about; instead, the issue becomes your emotion to it, which the manipulator says is unacceptable. In fact, the manipulator will tell you, this negative emotion is an issue you need to work on, and one he or she finds highly unattractive. The silent treatment usually follows, which increases your frustration (and your emotionality) at not being able to express your thoughts and feelings. You are unwittingly put into a vicious cycle with no way out. The more you are made to suppress your emotions, the more frustrated–and emotional–you will become, which starts the process all over again.”

INDIRECT AGGRESSION 

Indirect Aggressive Abuse Name-calling is direct and obvious, but an underhanded way to make it much less obvious is to drop the angry tone of voice that usually accompanies it, and disguise the insult as teaching, helping, giving advice, offering solutions. It appears to be a sincere attempt to help, but it’s actually an attempt to belittle, control and demean you. For example, a manipulator may tell you that you would come across as much more likeable if you would drop your habit of needing to assert your needs and opinions.”

PREMATURE DISCLOSURE 

Premature Disclosure Manipulators share intimate information about themselves, their lives, and their families early on to create a false sense of intimacy. You’ll automatically feel obliged or free to respond, and afterward you’ll trust him or her more and feel closer than you really are. Later, you might find out that most of what he or she disclosed wasn’t true, and that the manipulator will later use everything you told them about yourself to manipulate you or hurt you later.”

TRIANGULATION 

Triangulation This is a common and effective tactic in a manipulator’s arsenal. The manipulator introduces other men or women into the relationship in any way they can—by talking about someone at work, talking about an ex, flirting with someone in front of you, or comparing you unfavorably to someone else—just to hurt you, knock you off balance, and make you feel insecure or jealous. In a normal relationship, most people will go out of their way to show they’re loyal to you. You will always know where you stand with them. The manipulator does just the opposite, and enjoys watching your pain and angst. He may even be grooming his next target, who is conveniently used to manipulate” For example, he may flirt with another woman in front of you so he can build his relationship with her while making you feel insecure at the same time. And he’ll deny the whole thing later, of course, and say the real problem is your insecurity.”

BLAMING THE VICTIM 

Blaming The Victim This occurs when a victim of wrongdoing is held partially or totally responsible for the harm they suffered. This tactic is a powerful means of putting you on the defense (which makes you look guilty) while simultaneously masking the aggressive intent of the abuser. It usually occurs when the relationship ends and the abuser claims that the victim was the one at fault. Just when the victim needs support, others may turn away and believe the abuser instead.”

SHIFTING THE FOCUS

Shifting The Focus The victim shares a concern with the manipulator, such a suspicion of infidelity. Instead of dealing with the stated concern, the manipulator says the problem is actually the victim’s ‘insecurity’ or some other character flaw, which they say has nothing to do with their behavior or with reality. The manipulator makes it clear that they find this ‘flaw’ unacceptable. Since this is very unpleasant, the victim learns not ask questions, and silently puts up with bad behavior in the future. It usually happens along with the tactic of ‘not allowing negative emotion,’ but it can happen even if you don’t show negative emotion, and talk in a matter-of-fact way about something he or she wants to keep hidden.”

Insinuating Comments 

The manipulator will make carefully chosen insinuating comments to evoke an uncomfortable emotional response or even several responses at once. He knows your weaknesses and your hot-buttons, and he will enjoy dropping a bomb like this and watching the fallout. If someone says something that has multiple negative meanings and causes negative emotions while leaving you flummoxed and without a meaningful response, you’ve”experienced it. An example is a man who says “You know what? You could make a lot of money as a prostitute!” after you make love, or says “I wonder why no one ever loved you before?” There are many ways to look at comments like these, and you will look at all of them, repeatedly. 

GUILT 

A skilled manipulator can make you feel guilty for just about anything. Guilt is a negative emotion we experience after we’ve done something wrong. We can also experience it when we haven’t really done anything wrong, but the manipulator wants us to believe we did. For example, you may suspect your partner is cheating on you. When you ask her about it, she denies it and then acts offended and hurt that you could even think such a thing. Or if you complain about anything she does, she will remind you of all the wonderful things she has done for you. Many of us are conditioned by our family, religion, and society to feel guilt, so it’s easy for the manipulator to make us feel it, too. Being able to feel guilt means we have a conscience. But when we feel guilty about something we’re not really responsible for, it is destructive and counter-productive. We feel guilty because we believe something we’ve done”

SHAME

Shame When a manipulator communicates to us that we are not worthy of respect--such as by expressing disgust or disappointment, using sarcasm and put-downs, or comparing us to someone else they claim to think is better in some way--we feel shame. Shame is a very powerful tool for a manipulator. Few emotional states are more painful than shame. We feel guilty for what we do, but we feel shame for what we are. Shame is a feeling of deep humiliation, and one thing a manipulator loves to do is to make their victim feel humiliated. According to clinical psychologist Gershen Kaufman, "Shame is the most disturbing experience individuals ever have about themselves; no other emotion feels more deeply disturbing because in the moment of shame the self feels wounded from within." In relationships, we feel shame with any event we believe weakens the bond or indicates rejection. Shame is the pervasive”pervasive belief that one is somehow inherently defective or unacceptable, so this manipulation tactic causes serious harm.”

BACKHANDED COMPLIMENT

NON ACCIDENTAL FORTUITOUS TIMING 

Where an abuser loses his home, gets a new job etc to get you to invest more in the relationship 

INVESTED 

Abusers look for ways to make you more invested 

CREATING A SENSE OF URGENCY

Abusers do this by offering a time limited offer that will run out to create fear that you may lose out on an opportunity.

Heightened state of arousal 

Manipulation of Sympathy 

Exaggeration of emotional states to generate sympathy is a common tool of manipulation 

Empty Words 

The manipulator can turn on the charm and tell you exactly what you want to hear: “I love you,” “you’re so special to me,” “you’re so important to me,” “I’ve waited my whole life for you,” etc. The problem is these are just words, backed up by nothing. Filling your need for approval, love, validation, admiration, and reassurance with these empty words gives him or her incredible power over you.

 Crazymaking 

The manipulator says something and later denies they ever said it. This could happen a month later or five minutes later. You know she said it, she knows she said it, and she knows you know she said it. But none of that matters. If you feel you need to have a tape recorder running every time you talk to this person, you’re a victim of crazymaking. 

Gaslighting 

Denying, and therefore invalidating, reality. Invalidating reality distorts orundermines the victim’s perceptions of their world. This is an especially frustrating manipulation tactic. You know you saw him do something, but when you confront him he simply and emphatically denies it. The deception seems like it would be obvious enough, but if it’s repeated often victims can begin to question their ‘version’ of reality and let these absurdities slip by. This tactic is related to crazymaking.

Minimizing

The manipulator will tell you you’re making a big deal out of nothing, or that you’re ‘exaggerating’ when you question him or confront him about something he’s done.”

The Silent Treatment 

Supposedly because of something you did, the manipulator refuses to communicate and uses emotional or physical withdrawal as punishment. This is commonly called the silent treatment, stonewalling, or withholding. It conveys contempt and communicates that you are not worth the manipulator’s acknowledgement of your existence, let alone her time, love, attention, or consideration. According to Steve Becker, LCSW, “the silencer's aim is, above all, to silence communication. More specifically, it is to render the other invisible and, in so doing, induce feelings of powerlessness and shame.” Becker says the silent treatment is “a technique of torture. This may sound hyperbolic, but human beings need (on the most basic level) recognition of their existence. The withholding of this recognition, especially if protracted, can have soul-warping consequences on personality.” 

Lying 

A lie is a false statement deliberately presented as the truth. Some manipulators will say anything to get the results they want. Many are expert liars who are very convincing, and who lie frequently and with impunity.”

Lies of Omission

 Lies of omission are a more subtle form of lying. Instead of making a deceptive statement, the liar withholds the truth. For example, the manipulator may not tell you he’s married if he thinks it would stop you from becoming involved with him. 

Denying Responsibility 

Nothing is ever the manipulator’s fault, and he or she will find some crafty way to make you or someone else responsible instead. The manipulator may refuse to take responsibility for his behavior, for the state of the relationship, or for your reactions to it. He or she finds a way to make you take the blame for whatever’s wrong. You are stealthily made responsible for the relationship’s ultimate failure or success.”

Diversion and Evasion 

When you ask the manipulator a question, instead of answering it he or she may use diversion (steering the conversation to another topic) or evasion (giving an irrelevant, vague and often rambling response) instead. 

Selective Forgetting 

The manipulator pretends she forgot something important she once said, such as a promise or commitment she made, even though her memory seems pretty good in general. 

Turning the Tables 

The manipulator ‘turns the tables’ and make you look like the abuser. Skilled manipulators have an arsenal of tactics at their disposal, and they will be pushing as many buttons as possible to get you to lose control. They can inflict so much psychological warfare and make you suppress so much emotion that you can be backed into an emotional corner. When this happens, the intense frustration you feel--but are not allowed to express through normal communication--will cause you to blow up in a reaction of self-defense.”

Turning the Tables 

The manipulator ‘turns the tables’ and make you look like the abuser. Skilled manipulators have an arsenal of tactics at their disposal, and they will be pushing as many buttons as possible to get you to lose control. They can inflict so much psychological warfare and make you suppress so much emotion that you can be backed into an emotional corner. When this happens, the intense frustration you feel--but are not allowed to express through normal communication--will cause you to blow up in a reaction of self-defense.”

Brandishing Anger

 The manipulator will put on an act of intense anger for the purpose of shocking you into submission. This is also called ‘traumatic one-trial learning,’ because it will quickly train you to avoid confronting, upsetting or contradicting the manipulator.

Scapegoating 

A scapegoat is also known as a ‘whipping boy’ or a ‘fall guy.’ Scapegoating is the process of making someone the focus of negative treatment and blame they don’t deserve. Manipulators usually do it on purpose, although some people unconsciously project their unwanted thoughts and feelings onto another to make them a scapegoat for their own problems. 

Diminishing And Belittling 

The manipulator will diminish and belittle your opinions and ideas either verbally or non-verbally, by using eye-rolls, scoffs, smug smiles, sarcasm, etc. This tactic induces shame, crushes your self-esteem, and makes you less willing to voice your opinions and ideas in the future. 

Putting You On the Defensive”

Many of the covert tactics listed here will put you on the defensive, meaning that they cause you to feel you must verbally defend who you are, what you believe, and what the truth is. Covert manipulation tactics trigger you to react emotionally instead of responding rationally, which is exactly what the manipulator wants: Calm, rational conversations aren’t good for someone with something to hide. In addition, they can use these emotional reactions against us if they choose to. 

Creating Fear 

What these manipulation tactics have in common is that they make us feel fear–the fear of losing the other person and the relationship. We don’t want to lose them, so we act the way they want us to so we can avoid that loss. In this situation, the person who creates our fear is the only one who can relieve our fear, so we end up unwittingly playing along with their game. 

 Playing the victim 

The manipulator will inspire your pity by making themselves look like the victim of circumstances or of some unfair person’s or organization’s behavior. This elicits our sympathy–and our cooperation–because we can’t stand to see someone else suffering.

 Rationalization 

This is also known as justification or excuse-making. The manipulator creates reasons for their behavior that make their actions more understandable, acceptable, and appropriate. They do this to get you off their back so they can continue doing what they feel they are entitled to do. 

Flattery 

Flattery is excessive or false praise and compliments given to advance the manipulator’s own interests. Manipulators can sense our insecurity or pride and tell us exactly what we long to hear. We want to feel good about ourselves, and we like others who make us feel that way. Flattery can make us feel beautiful, intelligent, and lovable. Often, we long to be appreciated. When we think someone recognizes our good points, it can have a powerful effect on us. Suspect flattery. 

Trance

Trance If the manipulator is a psychopath, trance will come into play. is a very powerful manipulation tool in a psychopath’s arsenal. The technique of trance induction comes naturally to the”psychopath. It’s an effect of their intense presence and laser-like focus on you. When you’re in a trance state, your attention is hyper-focused on the manipulator. Trance leaves you psychologically defenseless. Messages and experiences you’ve internalized during trance states become fixed in your psyche and are especially persistent.”

Countercontrol

DARVO

Loaded Language

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